Hello fellow toads,
Happy Toad Tuesday!
I hope you have all maximized your day for optimum productivity and fiscal gains. Oh, you need some tips on that? Wow, have I got you covered.
Grab your meal replacement protein shake, block out some time on your Outlook calendar, and let’s get into it!
CEO Secrets for Optimal Productivity
The best way to start your morning, in my opinion, is giving a cat a back rub. If you do not have a cat, I highly suggest picking one up. Mine is the rare breed of “domestic shorthair brown tabby” and I found him by sorting from longest time in the shelter to shortest time in the shelter. He was there for six months and cost zero dollars (fiscally sensible).
If you cannot find a rare brown tabby, whichever cat has been at the shelter longest will work.
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After the cat’s backrub, I make some coffee and read the Lord of the Rings while I roll around on the floor and stretch or whatever. It makes me feel more prepared for the horrors ahead. The coffee is for energy but also for defrosting my hands and rubbing the warm mug around on my face (fiscally sensible).
Once I have caffeinated and read about hobbits, I log into work a little bit early so I can slip out to get groceries during my midmorning brunch break. I am 25 minutes from the grocery store, but going midday on a weekday cuts a couple minutes off that time and saves me ten total minutes, which can be spent gaming later (temporally sensible).
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After getting some business in, I grab a couple tote bags (fiscally sensible, environmentally sensible) and dress semi-cute, then walk out to board my personal death trap for a cruise to Aldi. I used to be okay with driving, but lately it feels like piloting a tiny ship made of leaves and string while surrounded by military grade tanks, all of which are clocking in at least ten miles per hour over the speed limit.
It’s raining for today’s trip; my sail-shaped Prius is tossed side to side by heavy winds. I think about how easily the fistlike front of an SUV would punch through my windshield and shatter all my teeth, then ask Siri to put on some Megan Thee Stallion.
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My Aldi quarters maintain permanent residencies in three different locations: my errand jacket, my car door, and my wallet. It’s a solid system and I almost never lose all three at the same time (reliable, efficient, eminently sensible). I park my car the same place as always, in front of the lamppost that’s always surrounded by scattered slices of bread and sometimes cat food.
I call it the bird buffet. The first time I ever went to this Aldi, the lot was completely swarmed by seagulls, but the crowd is much sparser today.
The crowd of shoppers is also quite thin, which is why it pays to grocery shop when it’s so cold and damp out that it feels like your bones are full of wet gravel. You can get in and out of the store in half the time (temporally sensible) and you also have free rein to hop around the aisles singing activity-specific songs under your breath like a scatterbrained hobbit without bothering anyone.
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I round up what looks like a reasonable amount of ingredients and snacks to close the gaps in my fridge. They somehow end up costing like eighty dollars and I sigh and think “huh, I really deserve to spend some money for having to spend all this money”.
I load all the soft groceries in one bag and the hard groceries in another (spatially sensible). They rest in the back of my car, menacing, fully-crewed Viking longships ready to be hauled inside, one on each arm, when I get home (efficient).
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Exiting the parking lot a different way than usual leads to an exciting discovery—there’s a McDonald’s tucked away behind the AutoZone. My last scrap of free will is sucked out of my body and I am sucked into the drive thru, where I watch two house sparrows squabble and flap as one tries to mount the other.
I order a caramel frappé (a little beverage is essential and the McDonald’s frappé is the cheapest frappé; thus, fiscally sensible).
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Monster Flavor of the Week
The Monster Flavor of the Week is Salted Caramel Java. It tastes almost just like the McDonald’s caramel frappé but you can get it at a Dollar General and drink it over the span of several days. Two for five bucks (fiscally sensible)!
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I hope you all have a ~productive~ and ~efficient~ Toad Tuesday (and that you’ve scheduled in plenty of time to chill). Secret toads, hang on for some stuff just past the paywall!
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